


innocence died screaming

by JamlessGenius



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Gen, In The Cruelest Way, Mental Health Issues, Really dark, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Whump, get these boys to therapy, lapslock, sorta happy ending?, this is dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:54:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26188303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius
Summary: Daehyun lost his innocence the day he saw Jaewon try to take his own life.Or: Another fic where I traumatize Daehyun.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kim Daehyun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	innocence died screaming

**Author's Note:**

  * For [i_was_human](https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/gifts).



> If it’s Hozier lyrics in the title, prepare for whump I guess.
> 
> @i_was_human: Since you said you’re here for it, here’s the mess, I guess.

daehyun thought he had known jaewon well.

well,

not  _well_ , but-

he’d thought he saw him.

there was a part of him that believed he saw jaewon better than anyone else

in the before, before all this, he’d have assumed as much

and the worst part?

he probably did.

he probably did see jaewon best and that was worse than this being because he was so blind in his sight

was it some sort of hubris? belief that he’d had enough insight?

his conscience burned, even now.

let it, a part of him said, let it burn for your crimes. a scapegoat in this bloody world of sacrificing the innocent for the sins of the others.

jaewon had been innocent-

once

once before he stained his hands with his own blood on an altar for them

his hair still shone such a vibrant red that it made daehyun sick

blood was red, 

a violent and metallic red, bold and fiery and wild and just a proof of how they’d never really evolved from the animals they claimed to come from.

daehyun had wondered before if jaewon was truly the animal, the red, painted so intricately across his face and hands

he’d wondered if the red was a softer, a pink, farther in the places he couldn’t see

there was blue, maybe, or yellow

red? 

red was too loud, 

red was too bold,

red was flames and noise and visceral power 

red was everything jaewon wasn’t 

he never realized that red’s bright color was a cover on a void, a large enough cap that made a person think the bottle was full

it was not a bottle but a void 

not even a black hole that sucked and devoured

just emptiness 

and daehyun had never seen a face with no life in it-

a face with no hope

was that a dead man walking? was that why they tried so desperately to be laid to rest?

he shivered at the thought whenever it popped up

daehyun may have been sworn to silence after that day, but it was loud in his mind and it chattered over every conversation and over every word and it was loud and daehyun could never unsee 

he wished his memory could be locked in place and he could forget

but he’d never forget walking into jaewon’s house after three missed calls, seeing him with a brown glass bottle with no label in his hand

and 

his 

head 

tilted 

back

daehyun had _screamed_

he had shot out his hand that had always been too weak

(too weak because he’d always seen too late, he always thought he was observant. he’d never understood how cruel the world was until he saw human cruelty and it was shoved in his face.)

he moved 

and 

he 

_why had things ended up like this?_

shoved

_please, was jaewon still in there?_

the

_who had hurt him so terribly?_

bottle 

_who had put him in so much pain_

so 

_so much that he would stain his_

_own hands red?_

hard

_what happened to the idealism?_

it 

_the jaewon who shyly said he’d_

_like to be friends?_

crashed 

_who mangled that innocence?_

against 

_was it them?_

the 

_why did jaewon ever end up like_

_this? in places and positions he_

_was never meant to?_

wall, 

_was he twisted too hard?_

and it shattered into little brown shards

_did that break him?_

little glass  _ swords _

daehyun sobbed, a terrible sound that startled jaewon 

and the _candy colored_ pills rolled across the floor, _color stark against white tile_

jaewon had stared at him, head tilted 

and he’d asked why daehyun had done that

why he’d taken away the last vestiges of control that he had over his fate

daehyun wished he’d understood then

wished he’d understood why jaewon said he had no control, with such empty eyes

such resignation to his fate

he had not been angry

he had not been sad

he had not even been _confused_

just a void, a voice, ready to be painted by someone else, 

a marionette that couldn’t cut its own strings and was already no longer breathing because it was so tangled and mangled in the control of another that it was no longer what it was meant to do-

a piece of jaewon was already dead

_ mind over body, but if the mind is dead what’s the body to do? _

jaewon had looked at the failed attempt and sighed

then put his hands on daehyun’s shoulders

and told him to tell nobody

daehyun made him swear, swear to not take a single sleeping pill into his house or his mouth ever again

it had seemed a fair trade

until he realized just how many other things jaewon could do when alone

he’d told nobody, but begged for them to get a dorm

in his blind attempts to do something

to right a wrong that maybe he had helped along (and that was the worst part, wasn’t it?)

they did get a dorm

and he still told nobody even as he realized the scandals were orchestrated and that was the root of all of this

(he should. he wanted to. 

but he  _ swore _ . 

and he didn’t think jaewon would survive another broken promise. 

it would kill him.

and that might just kill daehyun.)

but he woke up in the night, haunted by his own sobs and screams

but he religiously checked the bathrooms for pills and razors

let the others think he was paranoid

let them think he was something he wasn’t when _all he wanted was to save them_

let them think whatever they thought when he woke up at night and checked jaewon’s pulse and listened to his heartbeat just so his own would slow

the pills were on the floor but the glass had broke and that was enough and a piece of daehyun wasn’t there anymore

t 

r 

a 

u 

m 

a

he knew the word

it was numb sort of understanding that it was what he’d gained in the loss of his _innocence and belief that everything would be alright-_

(because it wouldn’t. and the way jaewon’s eyes were already dead in that moment and the pretty colors of the pills on the floor, on the floor and rolled all over white tile _said_ that it wasn’t alright)

he’d never be able to sleep without knowing that to be unconscious was to shake hands with never waking up again. with death.

he’d never be able to close his eyes without fearing he may not open them, to see someone else do the same.

that had led him there, 

with something so wretched in the sobs that rose to screams behind a bathroom door 

he was human and alive and he was letting it out 

but what he had to unleash was awful and he knew it 

he wasn’t doing well

he hadn’t been for a while 

and it was peeking through the cracks he could no longer pretend weren’t there

“daehyun?”

this time it was someone at the door and he was the one with his head tilted back

he had no bottle and no pills but he had tears and noise and that painted a picture that was matched to pain 

it matched to pain more than what he’d seen but what he’d seen was so much  worse

with the  _blank expression_ and _brown bottle_ and _ head tilted like it was already dead  _ and the _knowing in the moment that something wasn’t right_ _ - _

it was jaewon, face painted in concern that might not even be _real-_

was _anything_ jaewon expressed real anymore?

he wrapped his arms around jaewon and pleaded 

he pleaded never again,

pleaded like a prayer,

“never again, never do it again.”

“i won’t.”

“i wish i could believe that.”

jaewon held his hands

“we aren’t okay, are we?”

“no,” he choked out, “no we aren’t.”

“i think we can be, one day,” jaewon looked at him. 

oh. 

that feeling, that affection towards him.

_ that wasn’t fake. _

relief brought tears to his eyes and they warmed his ice-cold skin.

“i‘ll never unsee it, i will never be what i was,” daehyun said.

jaewon gave him the smile ofperson who’d lived three lifetimes. a smile far too _aged and sad_ for his face of a twenty-something.

“i haven’t been who i was for a very long time. i’ve been hurt and in turn i hurt you,” jaewon murmured into daehyun’s hair. “i’m so, so sorry.”

“why? you never told me why.” daehyun looked up at him, eyes still rimmed with tears. 

“i had no control anymore, and it wasn’t a... it wasn’t a split-second decision, but it was moment of impulsivity,” jaewon told him. 

“i don’t understand,” he said.

“you don’t have to,” jaewon replied.

“my innocence died with my scream, that day,” he said.  


it sounded more poetic than the inglorious nights where he woke up covered in sweat and screams and his brain gleefully telling him what he’d have seen if he’d been too late.   


“i’m sorry for stealing it,” jaewon replied, skipping over how ridiculous they probably seemed.

“you weren’t- you weren’t  _ well _ -“ Daehyun choked on a hysterical laugh- “i can’t blame you.”

“but i can,” jaewon said firmly, and when had daehyun ever seen that on his face before? “i think we need to talk to someone.”

“what? like a therapist?”

“yeah. so you can scream and express but you can heal too. this- we can’t keep living like this.”

“if i go, will you?”

“yeah,” jaewon looked at him, eyes firm in ways he’d never seen before today. “let’s heal, daehyun. we’ve been hurting for too long.”

daehyun laced their hands together.

“we have, haven’t we?”

they were not who they once were.

those people had been murdered and the fates of those children were out of their hands.

but they had not died.

and maybe, one day, they could be okay again.


End file.
